Dear Finn-Month 2

“All in the name of having a baby,” the nurse turns around and says to me yesterday. She was instrumental in making sure that I got my feeding tube placed (so now what we are eating looks quite similar). It was quite the process, and without her to coordinate the plasma and the OR, I really believe that I might have continued my week plus with no food or drink. She has been one of the many (but probably the best) great nurses that took such good care of me last time and welcomed me back to give me the same great care when I returned after only 5 days at home. However, she informed me that she was getting a promotion on September 17th and if I wasn’t out of here by then, she was taking me with her.

I didn’t know this is what I would be taking on when daddy and I started thinking about adding to our family. I didn’t know I would be writing to you about your second month of life from a hospital bed (so there will be no cute pictures or videos to go along, bummer)! I’m glad I didn’t know that at the time because it might have freaked me out (being the big wuss I am and all) and although this is the absolute hardest thing that I have ever done, it uses all my resources and a fair share of those around me as well, I would not trade you for being better.

Another nurse made me realize that as difficult as this is, I would much rather be going through this than have had something been wrong with you. Many people in my life have told me they would switch spots with me, which is amazing to me, but thinking about anything being wrong with you, I know exactly why they are able to say and actually mean it. If daddy and I were in St. Mary’s visiting you in the NICU instead of you guys coming to visit me that would be a million times worse than anything I have been through (which I believe and hope is the worse, but if it is not, anything I will go through as well). So when people in the hospital ask how my baby is, I am so blessed to say that you are doing great! And I hope that looking back on this when you are old enough to understand what happened, that you never feel guilty because I have you, my wonderful, happy, growing, healthy little man!

This is your 2 month birthday and it has been so hard for me to have spent the majority of the last month in the hospital. I went into the hospital 8 days after your first month and was home 5 more days, so I have spent all but 13 days (look at that great math, it’s from teaching 2nd grade) of your last month in the hospital. When I went in the first time, although I thought I was going to die from the pain, if that was possible, I didn’t know how serious it was. Secretly, after a couple of days of being so sick I started to get scared that it was serious and was a little afraid it was life threatening. It wasn’t until I was better and looked back at what the doctor’s said that I realized it was very serious and could have been life threatening. They kept saying, as I continued to get worse instead of better and unexplained things came up, that I was young, I would make it. They were really poor loser’s, they weren’t going to lose. Things like this. Looking back, I realized that they wouldn’t be saying things like that unless there was a chance they would lose…and losing meant losing me. It was a really good thing I didn’t draw those conclusions at the time, it would not have been good for my recovery. I wouldn’t know how to start thinking about not being with you and daddy.

I am officially out of the danger zone now, thankfully so! So I no longer have to worry about that! What I do think about is how much I missed while I was in here. I would go days without seeing you, and then you would look like you had grown so much, I couldn’t even believe it! I hate that I missed this time with you and even when I do get to see you, I can’t really hold you (because you might pull on my IV or something by accident). Someone sets you in my lap and I rub your legs and feet or we hold hands or I help you sit up so you can look around (your favorite thing to do). You stare at me when you come and visit me, I know I look stranger each time. I have more and new things coming out of and attached to my body. But I think you know who I am and haven’t forgotten, which I was afraid of.

The other hard thing that happened this month that was really hard was that when I had to return to the hospital daddy and I both knew without saying it to one another that I would stop breastfeeding. After the first round in the hospital I was still trying and my milk was still there. But you would get so frustrated. I think it was a combination of that there was hardly anything there and you didn’t understand (how could you) that I needed your help to make it come back and you had been eating from bottles exclusively for so long, you knew that from the bottle it came fast and it was much easier. This is very hard for me because I worked so hard in the beginning and through a lot of pain to be able to feed you and I was happy to know at the minimum I would feed you when I was with you. However, looking back over what I went through I know that it was the right choice for us to be done now. In life, even if you know something is right you can still be really sad about it, and that’s okay. That’s how I am about this.

Now on to the better part of this month, you have been able to spend time with the wonderful family that surrounds and supports us. If I hadn’t been sick, these people would not have gotten such large amounts of time with you right now. And that’s a great thing, for you to get to know these people and spend time at their houses. You got to spend A LOT of time with grandma and during that time did many fun things including helping clean windows (never too young to put them to work). She says you smile and talk to her. Grandpa sang to you, tickled your feet, and is teaching you “Little Piggy Went to Market” and even promises that you will be saying “ma” and the “ABC’s” in not too long. You spent a lot of time with Aunt Jessica too, which was great. She returned to Newark today and it won’t be too long before you realize how valuable the time she spends here is and how much we miss her when she is no longer here. You also spent a day with Aunt Jen and family and Jo Jo which I am sure you had fun because you haven’t seen them too much. You’ll be spending a lot more time with them in the future!

You have also become daddy’s little man. Daddy has worked so hard during this time, he never has a moment to rest. It’s like he’s a single parent. He gets up early to get himself and you ready and fed and then drops you off wherever you are staying for the day (usually Grandma’s) he works a full day and then comes to visit me as soon as he is off work staying until he needs to go get you to get you down for the night. Daddy says he wakes you up a little early in the morning so that you guys get about an hour in the morning and hour at night, just the two of you. I can tell how close you are, and that makes me so happy. You are very lucky to have the best daddy and now you guys are really developing your connection that will last you the rest of your lives. He says that you are now sleeping through the night, which I am so happy about because I think you both can benefit from great, long sleep! Daddy says that when he wakes you up in the morning, he goes into your room and says “good morning, good morning, I love you!” He says you then babble back and I know you are saying the same thing back!

The good news for me is that we think I’m over the worse. Now we are going to let the pancreas decide what it’s going to do (if everything goes as planned) the only time that I should be in the hospital is if it is scheduled. I truly hope that this is how it happens because if I come into the hospital unexpectedly that means I am in an excruciating amount of pain. I am working so hard to get better here at the hospital and as soon as I get home (hopefully tomorrow) I will continue that quest at home. This may mean sacrificing time with you, which breaks my heart, but I would rather get better quicker than slower. This means that you’ll probably start daycare next week until I am strong enough to carry you around the house again (and my goodness, I need to build muscle and endurance for all you’ve grown)! I am also concerned about my feeding tube that comes out of my nose, although the latest fashion, if you were to get a hold of it and tug, I bet it would be pretty painful. We will have to wait and see and be patient until it is best for both of us for me to be caring for you again. Just to be home and near you will help my healing go faster, which I know is very important! It is so important because (Jo Jo told me this all the time when I was growing up) mom’s are only allowed to be sick once every 3 years. This one was a doozy, so I have to be off bug patrol until 2011! I also must be better so that I can be there, 100%, as soon as possible so that I don’t miss anything else!

This month was difficult in all ways…physical, emotional, financially, spiritual, and all the other ways that I can’t think of right now. We know that means next month and the months following will be much better. And although when my gal bladder is removed it will be certain that this particular ailment will never hit my body again, it will be a very difficult thing to think about giving you a brother or sister. Aunt Jessica and I always agreed that daddy and I should not have an only child, and I believe her making an offer to come and live with us to be an annoying sibling for you, maybe we will have to see if she was serious!

Love,
Mama

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