I am celebrating my 500th post today. I have come a long way from my 100th post. As I was driving to work I began thinking about where I was a year ago (I know…blah, blah, blah you are sick of hearing about when I was sick). I promise I’ll stop talking about it…at some point.
I also was thinking about how we don’t stop to thank the people that do the most for us each and every day! So I am taking today to give myself a pat on the back and a big CONGRATULATIONS to myself for 500 posts AND to write a love letter to my mom, who so greatly deserves it!
It seems like it was so long ago. September, October, and November were the hardest months for me in a lot of regards. I went through a very long, dark tunnel of depression that I thought I would never get out of. In September I was in such pain with no foreseeable end. Then at the end of the month a miracle of a doctor (I can’t remember his name, mom do you?) was able to drain my cyst (that was causing me all the pain) and in less than 2 weeks I was back to work and so for the next couple months I was so exhausted (because I had been in bed at least 22 hours a day for the past 2 months) that when I got home from work, I would go straight to bed. Work and sleep, that was my life. No fun and spending very little time with my baby boy.
It can also be seen in how many posts I did:
September ~ 6 posts
October ~ 1 post
November ~ 9 posts
December ~ 7 posts
January ~ 37 posts
As you can tell, by January I was feeling much better and making a concerted effort to post everyday. So in the past 500 posts I have had really high highs and low lows. It is a great achievement for me and I am so happy that I stuck with it.
Thinking about how difficult this time was a year ago makes me think of everything that mom did for me. I honestly don’t know if I would be here today if my mom didn’t offer me the support she did when I went through the deep, deep depression. I remember days when getting out of bed or going to the clinic for an appointment was too much for me to handle and I only did those things because my mom would come and support me every step of the way. She would come and pick me up to go to my appointments and held my hand and reminded me to breathe when they poked and prodded me. She reminded me that if I wanted her in any of the exam rooms that she wasn’t “allowed in” that I should insist on it. She reminded me that there was no shame (as a 26 year old woman) that I wanted her by my side and they didn’t know the traumas I had been through.
There were countless people who did amazing things to support our family as we went thought this difficult time. I could never thank them enough for all that they did. One of those people was my mom. To think of all that my mom did during this time for me, it must have taken her superhuman effort. And I honestly believe that if it wasn’t for her, I would not be alive today. In the darkest of days I would intentionally not wear my seat belt and hope that I would get into a crash. I believed with all of my soul that being dead would be easier on Josh, Finn, and myself than living and I saw no light at the end of the tunnel.
When I was in the hospital (for a total of 28 days) I think there were only 2 nights that she didn’t stay with me. She took off work for almost 3 months in all. She was there whenever I asked and often when I didn’t (because she knew I really needed her, even though I couldn’t say the words). She breathed through the pain with me countless times (I think it was worse for her sometimes then it was for me). She was my advocate and made sure that no mistakes were made whenever she could foresee them. She told me everyday, when I could only see blackness ahead, that I would get better and life would be worth living again.
So thank you mom. Thank you for giving birth to me a month late, 27 years ago, a huge 10 pound baby. And thank you for saving my life last year so that I can live for at least another 27 years (my fingers are crossed) so I can be here for my baby and my family. I love you and I never say thank you enough.
