Honestly, freaking out a little bit.

20 minutes and counting until it will be exactly 2 years since everything that I knew in life was changed forever.  By accident I stumbled across the last post I wrote before THE EVENT happened.  It is crazy because I am totally unprepared for what is about to happen to me, I am complaining about pain that will be nothing compared to THE PAIN, I am feeling just as if I am figuring this mother thing out, and I was taking an important step of independence for Finn, moving him from our bedroom into his own bedroom.

The anniversary is really hitting me hard this year for some reason.  I almost feel that I have to relive it for some reason, even though I totally know that is not logical.  Hoping to survive today.  I spent tonight with my closest friends, my son is peacefully asleep in my room, and I’m so busy tomorrow I won’t have time to think about it.  2 minutes and counting.

**EDIT**As the freak I am I was just reading through what I wrote as I went through this time and I want to include the thanks again to my friends and family that helped Josh, Finn, and I survive this.  Without them and their support we would not have made it.  It is crazy how just reading it brings me back to that moment.  In some ways I feel just as vulnerable to fate and what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, or in 5 years.  My life is very distinctly divided between the before and after this happened.  I can’t remember what it was like to be the Kate before this happened.  I can’t remember what that felt like to think that I was in control of everything and if anything was “out of place” I was going to make it right.  Thanks to those that helped us through this difficult time.  There are no words to express my gratitude because it wasn’t for the first day, first week, or even first month.  It was for every single day until I was back on my feet and back to my regular self, which in all honesty took a full year.  So here is my thanks again because 365 days can’t pass without giving you thanks for what you did.

During this challenging time I gained many valuable lessons, which I will always remember and be grateful for.  My mom stayed with me every night while I was in the hospital (the total time being almost a month) except for 1 or 2.  She spent most of the days there too.  She was there to comfort me physically and emotionally.  Mom would talk me through painful procedures and breathe through the pain with me (no matter what time of night or day).  She was my advocate and made sure they didn’t make any mistakes, that she was able to prevent because I could not do it for myself.  After I was out of the hospital she attended every single doctor appointment with me.

If I had any doubt about the man I married before this, it laid it all to rest.  Josh was a hero.  His typical day for many months was to wake up early, get Finn ready, drop him off at daycare, work for 9 hours, pick Finn up from daycare and shuttle him to whatever family member was watching him that night, come to the hospital until about 10 and then go pick Finn up and take him home.  He did this day after day without complaint.  I knew he couldn’t be in the hospital with me but the fact that he took care of Finn and everything at home and visited as much as he possibly could made me know everything at home was okay.  When I came home from the hospital he was my nurse.  He gave me IV antibiotics, cleaned out my nose hose, prepared food for my nose hose, cleaned the house, took care of Finn, and so much more.  Never complained, not once.  He had 3 full time jobs, his job, Finn, and me.  Never complained, not once.  You want to know what kind of man Josh is, that’s who he is.

My family that took care of Finn when Josh and I weren’t able to be there.  Without complaint they would take him night after night, on the weekends and even overnight.  We never had to worry about where he was or what was happening with him because he was with the best people.  They also brought Finn into the hospital so I could visit with him and try to continue breastfeeding him.  Thank you Diana and Barry, Jen and Adam, and Jessica.  You’ll probably never know how much this meant to us, we are in your debt forever.

For Jessica who not only took care of Finn when she was here on her vacation (I don’t know about you, but waking up at night with a hungry baby is not my idea of vacation).  She also took care of me when I was home from the hospital and took care of Finn when I was home but was unable to meet his needs.  She flew here from out east and extended her stay to help out.

For all my friends and family who heard about what had happened and sent me cards, flowers, gifts, and most importantly your thoughts and prayers.  Not just the first week, not just the first month, but until I was back on my feet.  I have all of those cards and will keep them forever.  You got me through days and weeks until I was back to myself.  If you ever need anything from me, I will be there for you in a moment.

To my saintly team at school who not only got my room ready when it was time for them to get their rooms ready but also for holding my sub’s hand and making sure my kids were in the best possible hands until I could get back to them.  And who helped me so I didn’t have to work extra hours when I did return to work.

For my nurses and doctors (except for 3) who were so compassionate and went above and beyond (as they do every day for all there patients) so I could heal and feel comfortable with my care.  Thank you for taking time each day to answer my mom and I’s gazillion questions.  Thank you for listening to me.  Thank you for your kindness, I felt that you really cared about me.  Thank you for your encouragement when I was able to take a small step in the right direction (even if it was just cheering the first time I was able to walk down to the end of the hallway and back).  Thank you for doing what you thought was best for me.  Most of the time it was what was best.  It was your dedication and knowledge that allowed me to live and recover fully with no side effects.  Thank you for taking away my pain.

The most important thing that I learned personally was not to sweat the small stuff.  I was obsessed with the small stuff.  I would make lists and more lists.  I would make lists for Josh and made sure he completed them.  I worried about how clean my house was.  I worried if someone didn’t like how I was wearing or my hair.  I worried and worried.  Then I got sick.  None of that was important.  My friends and family are important.  If I couldn’t make sure all the dishes were clean but I could spend time playing with Finn.  Finn is so much more important.

I also learned that when you are in the deepest, darkest hole and you think that you will never see sunlight again.  You will.  If you give it time and believe and work toward it, the light will come to you.

So today I give thanks.  I give thanks for my life, for my family, for my friends.  I give thanks that my body got me through the hardest time in my life (so far).  I give thanks that I am healthy and happy and so are my friends in my family.  I am thankful that I understand that just because you think you’re healthy, it can change in a moment for a million different reasons and so I live every day like its my last.  I give thanks for the greater understanding I came to from this.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
This entry was posted in Health, Kate ~ HerStory, Personal and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Honestly, freaking out a little bit.

  1. Mwa says:

    I hope you have a good day. Sounds like you turned it from “freaking out” to appreciating what you have. Nice thought.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge