I have wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember. I’m sure it won’t be too long before you realize I was born as an 87-year-old woman and am quite possibly the most boring person on the planet. Some parents are worried about “admitting” that they smoked weed, slept around, got drunk, etc. I am worried that you’ll think I’m the biggest joke because the biggest thrill for me in high school was learning how to knit AND crochet. When I was legal all I wanted to do was go play bingo. I think I’ll lie so when I tell you not to smoke you’ll think I’m legit and listen. Why would you listen to a person who has never done it?
I digress. I have always loved being around kids. I think because I was the baby who had to listen to everyone else and I always wanted to be in charge. As soon as anyone would let me babysit, I was there. I would have PAID people to babysit so I could boss other people around. I saw when a kid would get a scrape or bump their head they always wanted their mom. I wanted to comfort them, but I was never mom, and it’s just not the same. As a teacher and as an aunt, I always try to make kids feel better by offering a hug or talking them through it. I always know I’m second best. I totally get it. Even now when I’m really sad, hurt, or angry I just want to talk to Jo Jo. Somehow she just makes everything a little bit better (even though she always will tell you to breathe and you want to hit her because IT HURTS TOO MUCH TO BREATHE).
It was a silly little thing that I looked forward to when I became a mom. Except the comfort manual for moms must have been mailed to another house, because I never got it. When you were born I was still just me and I didn’t know how to make you feel better. And then I got SICK and I didn’t want to be a mom, I just wanted MY mom. As I was getting better daddy became your favorite person and when I was well enough to care, I worried that I would always be your second choice. You were stung by a bee for the first time and it was right under your eye. So what would normally be a pain was at least doubled. You went to spend time with Jo Jo as you normally do, but you weren’t feeling super great. You asked for me. When you were with Jo Jo. Your mostest favorite person in the world. It was everything I thought it would be. Except I still don’t have the magic mom way to make you feel better (I’m still checking the mail for it), but I will always be here for a hug and a cuddle.
I have been working so much with the start of the school year and other things that are going on in our lives. I was so stressed and upset tonight when I got home. You made it all better. You’re magical that way. You already know that I’m going to ask you a million and one questions and I think you’ve learned to tune me out. You must have learned it from your daddy.
Me: What did you do today?
Me: Did you play outside?
Me: Did you play in the sandbox?
Me: Did you jump off the roof?
You have a bad cold and were not feeling great the other day. You came and cuddled with me in bed. So after your bath tonight I asked if you wanted to go to bed. You are a freak of nature like me and love sleep so sometimes the answer to this question is yes. You said yes, but then right away you said you wanted to go to mama’s bed. I’m glad you learned that already. Everything that is mine is mine and everything that is daddy’s is mine. So we went to cuddle in mama’s bed. You laid down on daddy’s side and pulled up the covers to your chin. Then you look at me and ask me for a cuddle. Anytime. I am always here for a cuddle.
Then you ask me “wat’s dat” five million times and I tell you what I think you’re looking at. Cuddled up talking I realized the moment could not be more perfect. I love you so much sometimes I think my heart will burst from it. Jo Jo always told me that she loved me more than I could understand and I thought she was crazy. There is only so much to love someone. It’s like filling a glass with water. When it’s full, it’s full. Then you were born and now I understand. So you can think I’m crazy (and that’s true) but you’ll understand when you have a baby.
I was getting you ready for bed and you ask “where is it?” One of your favorite questions. I had no idea what you were talking about.
“Where’s the other button?”
“Here it is.”