Wounded, I’m Battered and Broken and Bruised, I’m Wounded, All Tore Up

I don’t know if anyone enjoys reading this half as much as I do writing it, but I am driven to attempt to record some of my feelings and thoughts and actions as I go through this incredibly special time that I will never get back, but maybe I will be taken back if I read what I was thinking, doing, etc. I also want to write this so that someday if Finn wants to, he can read what was going on and I can hold it over his head.

Now, if you have known me for awhile you know that it was when I was in first grade I decided that I wanted to be a teacher and a writer. These went together perfectly in my head because I could write in my time off in the summer (until I became a teacher and realized that you spend the time in the summer recuperating so that you can teach again in the fall). In about 5th grade I was quoted as saying I want to be an author like Shakespeare or John Grisham. So I truly enjoy writing this and try to daily, it’s my me relaxing time and I can pretend that I am an author, just like I always wanted to be!

Tonight I want to talk about my aches and pains so that one day Finn can read this (or I will read it to him, do not doubt that he will hear about each and every thing that I am feeling right now) and understand how much I love him. There is not one part of my body that does not hurt, although there are parts that hurt a little less every day, and none that are hurting more as time passes, so that’s the good news!

My feet and ankles are in the running to be contenders with my pregnancy swollen feet and ankles. When does this go away? And also now, it extends up through both my legs, they are so hard with water weight.

On my left shin I have some small bruises, small, but I they count anyways. I do not know how I got them, Josh thinks they are from a wheelchair.

My knees are so very sore because 2 hours after Finn was born, they wanted to move me to postpartum and asked if the epidural had worn off enough to stand and get in a wheel chair. I could move both my legs independently, I didn’t think there would be a problem so I told them yes but when I stood up, my legs collapsed beneath me and I fell hard onto hard tile on my knees, so very sore.

In the area of my body where Finn made his appearance into the world is so tore up and sore, it is not even funny. I will not get into specifics because I am sure you don’t want to know, but I will say that it became so unbearable Tuesday night that after a trip to the bathroom at 12:30 AM I went into the hospital to have them check out the area, I thought it had become infected. They said everything looked like it was healing really well, but they could see that I was in a ton of pain so they prescribed some narcotics to help with the pain, even with these, going to the bathroom has become the most dreaded part of my days (for those of you who have given birth, I am sure you know what I am talking about). Um, did I mention I love drugs? And now Finn gets to share these wonderful drugs with me through breast milk. He has a sore penis; I figure he’s getting some relief from them as well. You can thank me later buddy! I am sure that if you are my son (and I’m pretty sure they didn’t switch you out on me at the hospital) then you love drugs as well. We will not be ashamed for our love affair, my man! As long as we stay away from the street stuff and only indulge with doctor’s permission and to their specifications, we will stand proud and declare our love!

Next would be my uterus, which is shrinking, which causes cramping similar to the feeling of contractions. Hey, it is actually contractions, it’s my uterus contracting and getting smaller, getting back to its normal pear size. Now this is bad enough on its own, but when Finn nurses it releases hormones that ask the uterus to contract, which means I have to deal with boobie owieness (don’t worry, we’ll get there!) and cramping at the same time, OUCH!

Quickly above that is my stomach which is so sore from straining for well over 3 hours to get this little boy born into the world. It is sensitive to the lightest touch. I think with all that pushing and everything, I will actually see the hard work in a six pack. That’s how it works, right? I’m checking my stomach every day…waiting for it.

Next we have the boobs. I was having such an issue nursing (my nipples were unbearably painful and Finn would nurse for 2.5 hours, off maybe .5 or so and then want to start again for a 2.5 hour feeding) that we went to see the lactation consultant. She saved my life, okay well; she saved Finn from being bottle fed after 3 days of life. She showed me how to get the proper latch and said that unless he is cluster feeding he should not be feeding for more than 1 hour at the most. She said he was just mainly using me as a pacifier and would camp out all day if I would let him. She also told me that if I use the milk on my nipples after each feeding and get Soothies (life savers!) that my nipples would be much better off, and boy was she right! The other thing about the boob area is that where my six pack area lost a little my boob area gained a whole ton. This area was not small to begin with, I swear, someday I will turn around and take someone out. At the very least I will for sure be giving myself a black eye or two if I try something silly like running.

Next would be my left arm. I was due for my tetanus and a couple other shots last fall when I got my flu shot. However, I was pregnant at the time and they were not safe for the baby. They wasted no time after I popped baby out to make sure that I was covered in the tetanus area. The good news about this is that Finn is getting some benefit from them passed to him through the breast milk. Apparently, one protects him from the whooping cough. Right now though it has made my entire left arm sore, has puffed out, and when I touch it, it feels like it’s a million degrees (is that normal?).

Lastly, my neck and face ache. Again from the three hours of pushing. They kept telling me to curl around the baby and push. I pushed for over three hours and I don’t think there was a muscle that I didn’t use. Mom said my lips were white while I was pushing and my face was all clenched up.

So there you have it my little man, mama is TORE UP! Thanks a lot. I guess, in all fairness, you did a fair share of hard work that day too and went through some trauma.

On Tuesday I had to visit the lactation consultant to get help with the boobies and feeding. Tuesday/Wednesday I was back to the hospital for the pain “down there.” I am looking into getting a medal for myself for not visiting the hospital in the past 24 hours.

I look at him and I think about my sore parts and I realize that I don’t even feel them when I’m with Finn (unless I’m feeding him, then the boobies still hurt, I won’t lie), it was all worth it, and I would do it again tomorrow three times with two times the amount of pain if that’s what it took to bring him in this world. My little monkey is more than worth it!

Also, having a baby is hard (I don’t need to tell you that if you’ve ever had one or even witnessed a live birth). However, the Clinic and their employees are amazing. I have received unbeatable care from there since we moved to Rochester when I was young. I would never have any future babies anywhere else. The staff goes above and beyond. I could not have done it without them and I plan on writing in the future about the specific things that happened and how they supported me physically but also emotionally and that is totally not in their job description. When I found out that it was going to cost my insurance $17,000 to push out baby in the beginning of my pregnancy, I could not believe it. Now I would pay twice that much to receive the services I received (but let’s be thankful I don’t have to).

We had a really hard night last night. Finn was up all the time and wanted continual feeding, which I had a really hard time providing because I had only slept 1 hour since the night before. We finally got 3 hours of sleep at 2:30. After feeding him until 8, we just slept another 2 and I am ready for another day with my little bean. We are going to go try and see daddy back at work today.

By the way, thanks to Adam who has purchased us the winning lottery ticket as a birthday present for Finn. With the winnings, I am going to buy a new body that doesn’t hurt, sleep, rent all my nurses from the clinic, the lactation consultant, and the midwives (just until I am not in pain anymore), and to get rid of this headache (this one is not Finn’s fault, it’s my own because I drove last night without glasses and NOTHING will make it go away. Stupid, stupid Kate.).

Here is a picture of Fiinn from the trauma that was last night. He must have read his onsie (I told you he was advanced, reading already) and then his cuteness broke his own heart. That’s not how it’s supposed to work buddy, you break OTHER people’s hearts; girls or boys, whichever you prefer. Try to remember this in the future: OTHER people, not your own!

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