Over the holidays something happened to me that I didn’t quite know how to respond to…someone actually asked for my advice. Most people ask me to SHUT UP…no one asks me to talk MORE. I went to the window immediately to see if any pigs had taken flight. It is advisable to do the exact opposite of whatever I say 94.78% of the time.
The person who asked me this question must have not been aware that I’m mostly insane. However, as a truly crazy person, I could never let such an opportunity pass me by to spread my insanity. So have a seat, put your feet up, I’ll bring you a diet coke as you let my wisdom soak into your head.
Part of our culture is that we are always looking toward our next destination. Or maybe I’m the only one. By the time we have arrived at our destination we don’t take the time to appreciate it, we are already thinking about the next place we want to go. This continues until you wave to your kids as they pull out of the driveway on their way to college…and then you run inside to call to get the locks changed on your house so you don’t have a lazy kid living in your basement until they’re 52.
I’ve noticed it goes something like this…
After you have dated someone for 2 weeks…when are you getting engaged?
After you’re engaged…when are you getting married?
After you’re married…when are you having babies?
After the first baby…when are you have the next baby?
Baby…baby….baby….baby….don’t you think you should stop having babies?
And then you die.
We are so worried about the next thing that we sometimes forget to enjoy the present for what it is…a gift. We let the precious moments fly by because we were so focused on the next destination and not the journey. So someone asked me what she should say when people ask when she’s having another child. Here is my very wise advice (you may want to get a pen and take notes).
Do your best to suffer from a life-threatening disease shortly after your first baby is born (I’ve heard pancreatitis is quite the rage and very effective) so everyone will assume you will never have a 2nd one because the first one almost killed you. Worked for me. If you want something less drastic you can pick your favorite from these choices…
-“Wanna bet? I’ll play rock, paper, scissors with you. You should be warned that I use atomic bombs.”
-“Why? Are you interested in purchasing one? We’re having a sale right now. No interest payments for 3 years.”
-“We can barely keep up with one.”
-“I have decided that door has been marked “exit only.” Any other use will result in an alarm sounding.”
-“We don’t have enough space in the closet for a second one…or enough duct tape and rope.”
-“If God wanted us to have another, He would give us one. He did it for Mary, He can do it for me!”
-“We are not such a fan of kids, we don’t even like the one we have already.”
-“Why do you care?”
-Ask for a big glass of wine and a shot of tequila (or whatever your preferred liquors are). “Oh, I’m pregnant now…you didn’t know?”
-“Then we would have to get rid of one of the child laborers in our basement.”
-“We found out that my husband is actually my cousin…we decided we don’t want to make a baby with 3 eyes and a foot coming out of his head.”
-“No hablo English.”
-“How are babies made exactly?”
-“When are YOU having another baby?”
-“We’re waiting until we can get one in green, pink, and blue.”
-“We’re already serving a life sentence from a first one. We’re afraid it’s without parole.”
-“Our house is only zoned for one child.”
-“What? I can’t hear you.” –Repeat as necessary.
-“My uterus fell out.”
-“I love purple polka dots.”
-“The state has taken away our license to procreate further.”
-“We’re waiting for African babies to go on clearance.”
-“We’re taking an 18 year break between babies.”
-“Our first is perfect. Why would we try again? We can’t improve on perfection!”
-“We do have another baby…you didn’t know?”
-“We’re already on the run for kidnapping this one.”
-“Are you trying to say that I’m fat?”
-“My husband spent too much time in a hot-tub.”
-“We’re not sure our dog is up for babysitting 2 at once.”
-“Our house is already filled with enough noise pollution.”
This will work 100% of the time…3% satisfaction guaranteed.
Problem solved. You’re welcome.
How do you deal with the question?