TOTALLY a dear diary moment…

Over the holidays something happened to me that I didn’t quite know how to respond to…someone actually asked for my advice.  Most people ask me to SHUT UP…no one asks me to talk MORE.  I went to the window immediately to see if any pigs had taken flight.  It is advisable to do the exact opposite of whatever I say 94.78% of the time.

The person who asked me this question must have not been aware that I’m mostly insane.  However, as a truly crazy person, I could never let such an opportunity pass me by to spread my insanity.  So have a seat, put your feet up, I’ll bring you a diet coke as you let my wisdom soak into your head.

Part of our culture is that we are always looking toward our next destination.  Or maybe I’m the only one.  By the time we have arrived at our destination we don’t take the time to appreciate it, we are already thinking about the next place we want to go.  This continues until you wave to your kids as they pull out of the driveway on their way to college…and then you run inside to call to get the locks changed on your house so you don’t have a lazy kid living in your basement until they’re 52.

I’ve noticed it goes something like this…

After you have dated someone for 2 weeks…when are you getting engaged?

After you’re engaged…when are you getting married?

After you’re married…when are you having babies?

After the first baby…when are you have the next baby?

Baby…baby….baby….baby….don’t you think you should stop having babies?

And then you die.

Amen.

We are so worried about the next thing that we sometimes forget to enjoy the present for what it is…a gift.  We let the precious moments fly by because we were so focused on the next destination and not the journey.  So someone asked me what she should say when people ask when she’s having another child.  Here is my very wise advice (you may want to get a pen and take notes).

Do your best to suffer from a life-threatening disease shortly after your first baby is born (I’ve heard pancreatitis is quite the rage and very effective) so everyone will assume you will never have a 2nd one because the first one almost killed you.  Worked for me.  If you want something less drastic you can pick your favorite from these choices…

-“Wanna bet?  I’ll play rock, paper, scissors with you.  You should be warned that I use atomic bombs.”

-“Why?  Are you interested in purchasing one?  We’re having a sale right now.  No interest payments for 3 years.”

-“We can barely keep up with one.”

-“I have decided that door has been marked “exit only.”  Any other use will result in an alarm sounding.”

-“We don’t have enough space in the closet for a second one…or enough duct tape and rope.”

-“If God wanted us to have another, He would give us one.  He did it for Mary, He can do it for me!”

-“We are not such a fan of kids, we don’t even like the one we have already.”

-“Why do you care?”

-Ask for a big glass of wine and a shot of tequila (or whatever your preferred liquors are).  “Oh, I’m pregnant now…you didn’t know?”

-“Then we would have to get rid of one of the child laborers in our basement.”

-“We found out that my husband is actually my cousin…we decided we don’t want to make a baby with 3 eyes and a foot coming out of his head.”

-“No hablo English.”

-“How are babies made exactly?”

-“When are YOU having another baby?”

-“We’re waiting until we can get one in green, pink, and blue.”

-“We’re already serving a life sentence from a first one.  We’re afraid it’s without parole.”

-“Our house is only zoned for one child.”

-“What?  I can’t hear you.”  –Repeat as necessary.

-“My uterus fell out.”

-“I love purple polka dots.”

-“The state has taken away our license to procreate further.”

-“We’re waiting for African babies to go on clearance.”

-“We’re taking an 18 year break between babies.”

-“Our first is perfect.  Why would we try again?  We can’t improve on perfection!”

-“We do have another baby…you didn’t know?”

-“We’re already on the run for kidnapping this one.”

-“Are you trying to say that I’m fat?”

-“My husband spent too much time in a hot-tub.”

-“We’re not sure our dog is up for babysitting 2 at once.”

-“Our house is already filled with enough noise pollution.”

This will work 100% of the time…3% satisfaction guaranteed.

Problem solved.  You’re welcome.

How do you deal with the question?

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9 Responses to TOTALLY a dear diary moment…

  1. Nic says:

    Hahahahahaha amazing. Needed this.

    Love the “I love purple polka dots” reply. Am gonna use that for whenever I don’t want to answer a question.

    Welcome!
    :) Kate
    Nic recently posted..finally- first post of 2011My Profile

  2. maggie says:

    purple polka dots for the win. ;D

    how’s about “what do you mean by “another” child??” ;P

    i think you’re not wrong, though, about the destination bit. people rush things. i get along with someone for one night and i have friends asking if i’m going to date him. wtf.
    (okay, actually, they assume i’m going to take him home. which rarely happens. but if it does, then they think i’m going to date him.)

    i try very much to focus on the moment, with abstract vagueness about future destinations. i get stressed if i think to much about what’s next. plus, the longer it takes to get to spring 2012, the more time i have to save up for my trip to visit mickey mouse. . .

    They’ll be planning your wedding shortly thereafter!!
    :) Kate
    maggie recently posted..Fleas- fleas everywhere- and not a drop to drinkMy Profile

  3. linlah says:

    when asked that question my answer was – No second one I got it right the first time.

    That’s a perfect answer!
    :) Kate
    linlah recently posted..we eat heart healthyMy Profile

  4. The replies: very very useful and so true. (It does help to already have three. People assume the third one was an accident so there’s no way they’re asking you the question. Some will say “I take it you’re not having any more now.”)

    The first bit: I was never like that. I got a boyfriend and it took us five years to get engaged/married and I never wanted it faster. After that, it took another four years for me to even consider having a baby. I suppose some of us live in the moment more than others.

    I would like to live in the moment…good goal for me!
    :) Kate
    Mwa (Lost in Translation) recently posted..Thank you!My Profile

  5. Kyooty/Mary says:

    I get the “don’t you want to try for a girl?” sometimes I say “why they’ve got me” and other times I’ve said ‘oh I didn’t know my sex life was up for discussion’

    That’s a great one!! I’m adding it to my list!! Ha ha!!
    :) Kate
    Kyooty/Mary recently posted..Friday Fill ins Winter Accepting the SnowMy Profile

  6. Lol. I hate those questions from people. I’m in the “When the heck are you getting married?” part. =/

    I will work on a list telling people that you are never getting married. This is how I believe we should handle all questions. Tell them never and then when you do…they’ll be twice as happy!!
    :) Kate

  7. nessa says:

    Those are some great responses. I always told people one was enough for me as I don’t like babies – they are quite boring and very messy.

    I was doing quite a bit of driving today and was listening to this show about having kids. Do kids ruin relationships/sex life? A bunch of people were calling in to speak their thoughts about this topic and for some reason I have been teary all the time lately. I don’t know why…I’m not pregnant…what other reasons do you have to cry all the time? Not a fan of emotions.

    So this one dad called in and said when his 2 year old son was crying at 3 AM and he went into the bedroom to find that the boy had removed his diaper, pooped everywhere, and now was rubbing his eyes with his poop covered hands…he wondered why he and his wife had decided to have a child. Then there are the times when he comes home from work when his son hears his keys in the door and runs full speed wrapping his legs in a monster hug…he remembers why they decided to have kids. I think that’s the best way to explain having kids. Messy and gross-YES…worth it? God let’s hope so!!

    Another caller said all the horrible things everyone tells you are true-multiplied by a 12. And all the great things about being a parent that people tell you are true-multiplied by 1,000. I think that sums it up too.

    :) Kate
    nessa recently posted..Sunday 160 and Weekend Reflections – PerceptionMy Profile

  8. Tracey says:

    Lie, and say I can’t have children. Amazing how people shut up immediately. :)

    OMG (that is so overused…but totally appropriate here). That is the best one EVER!! Haha! I wonder if it would be less believable since I already have one…
    :) Kate
    Tracey recently posted..I love Net-a-PorterMy Profile

  9. Linda says:

    I think the best advice is when you can diffuse a touchy situation with humor, and help a friend see what idiots people really are. Great list…

    I’ll pick the one about Mary and the Immaculate Conception, since I’m almost 50 and living from one hot flash to the next!

    Ah yes…diffusing is good…especially with humor. Hot flashes…not looking forward to them!!
    :) Kate
    Linda recently posted..Protestant hairMy Profile

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