Wherein I make everyone hate me, part 2.

**If you missed my post from yesterday you’ll want to read this first.**

I read my post from yesterday and realized I sounded like a heartless bitch, which is probably pretty accurate.  However, I left out a large group of kids.  Each child/person is an individual and needs to be dealt with individually.

Josh’s sister is the best mom that I have the privilege of watching.  She has made me the VERY proud Aunt of 2 nieces and 2 nephews.  Each one is generous, kind, ridiculously smart and talented, and I know her preference is to handle situations gently.  Obviously, no one can argue with her results.

Their oldest is a precious girl, Anna, who will turn 11 in September.  She is BEAUTIFUL (they all are, they must have some killer genes).  In fact, that’s probably an understatement.  When people are attractive, in my experience, they tend to rely more on their physical attributes and don’t find it as pressing of a need to work their heart, soul, and brain.

If I only had one thing to say about Anna, I would say that she is more beautiful on the inside than out.  Whenever I see her, she comes and gives me a huge hug, like she’s just so happy to see me.  She will ask if she can get me anything, she always wants to take Finn around and show him things and tell him all about everything.  I tend to hang back at family gatherings, because I’m not super comfortable with a lot of people (every family gathering when I was growing up consisted of 3 people, and one was me).  Anna always makes a point to come and tell me that her favorite celebrations are when we are there, and just spend some time with me in the corner, talking and answering my endless questions.  She is the kind of person that I aspire to be.

And she’s the rule, not the exception of her brother’s and sister.

Finn is very sensitive.  If I even start to raise my voice, his shoulders will rise like he’s trying to cover his ears with his shoulders.  I am loud.  I am louder when I become upset.  He tells me often to “calm down.”  And I really try to respect his individual needs.  85% of the time, if I ask him to do something, he will comply.  So there is no need to raise my voice or hand down further consequences.  When there is, or if that happens more in the future, we will deal with it then!

I am a pretty loud person in general, so I have had to catch myself.  Even if Josh and I are just having an excited conversation, Finn will tell me to calm down.  He is so sensitive to noise that when he’s playing a game where he touches the picture of different things (animals, ambulance, etc), as soon as he touches it, his hands will fly up to cover his ears, because even those sounds are too loud for his comfort.

With all kids, they push the limits, that’s their job.  They want to find them and when they find the boundaries, that makes them feel safe.  If I know one thing about being a parent FOR SURE, it’s that all kids want to feel safe and loved.

And when a kid’s life feels out of control and many people have not showed them unconditional love, they MAY need some tough love to see the light.  But as I said, each child is an individual and needs to be dealt with as such.

The only other thing I know FOR SURE is that 99.9% of the time, I don’t know what on earth I’m talking about.

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10 Responses to Wherein I make everyone hate me, part 2.

  1. nelson RN says:

    Hahaha! How could you leave your post with that last line??!!

    Seriously, you are right. Each child should be dealt with differently. That is why I salute all the teachers who really try to listen to each and everyone in the classroom. It’s a tough job to be able to deal with different personalities.
    :) Kate

    nelson RN recently posted..Why I became a nurseMy Profile

  2. Raven says:

    Hey you! You have an award over at my blog. 😀
    Raven recently posted..Well Im not Stoned Im Just Fked Up- I Got So High I Cant Stand UpMy Profile

  3. Hey Kate!
    No worries – blog are where we vent! Everything we say doesn’t have to be absolute truth, nor does it need to be a sterling example of how we ALWAYS feel.
    As for me, my beliefs on discipline center around teaching children to be proper people, not proper children (I think many folks I’ve seen get the two mixed up.)
    When I was a child, my parents were more along the lines of what your previous post described. I was NOT the child to give physical punishment to – when I think back now on that dreaded belt coming at me, my heart still quakes in my chest. The hugs my father would give me afterward, sorry, but feeling as if this was what he had to do to be a good parent (they were very religious at the time and that was before the “Spare the Rod” verse was correctly interpreted to see the rod as something to TEACH and POINT with, not to HIT with…) – those post-spanking hugs created festering sores in my little psyche that still have not fully healed now, more than 20 years later.
    I believe that consequences, not punishment, should both depend on the child (an explanation and conversation would have ALWAYS taught me more than hitting did) and the action that is being addressed.
    However, in a classroom you must have rules. But it’s also my opinion that if the world rains down on someone for any slight, that’s not realistic for what the real world is like either. There’s a balance that’s difficult to find in a room of children – which is why I am not a teacher! And bless you & what you do! :)
    <3
    Charis
    Charis Brown Malloy recently posted..A Floridian Wedding Weekend- RecapMy Profile

  4. Tracey says:

    You may not know what you’re talking about but you keep me entertained :)
    Tracey recently posted..Daily PhotoMy Profile

  5. Linda says:

    Dear heartless bitch… hahahaha! I couldn’t resist because YOU said it first!

    It’s funny that you mention feeling awkward at gatherings larger than three. My husband has six kids and all the little kids that come with that. I have so much anxiety Father’s Day and Christmas that I’m ready to throw up or faint. I kinda hate it.

    The pic of Finn with the Slinky is killing me… so silly and dear. Didn’t want to forget to say that.

    Given the choice of a loud child and a sensitive, quiet one, who do you think will grow up to be a kinder and more loving man? My little brother (who was as cute as Finn way back when) is all about family, reading stories, singing silly songs, and bouncing his kids on his knee. He was a very sensitive little boy growing up, and I was the loud one. He turned out great… !

    Nice post. And “everybody” doesn’t hate you. If one of “your kids” said that you’d hug them and say it isn’t so.

    Hugs girlfriend… : )
    Linda recently posted..A tribute to my mom who is now reading my blogMy Profile

  6. Kate says:

    Raven-
    Oh, you must have received my bribe! 😉 No, I’m flattered…headed over there now!
    :) Kate

  7. Kate says:

    Charis-

    I was really hoping to get some great hate mail…haven’t had that experience yet. I have very thin skin, very sensitive…so I would probably cry. I couldn’t agree with you more…we need to teach our children to be the best versions of themselves, live their dreams, and be productive citizens of the world. It’s about what we can all give, not get. But of course, you know that! I was actually pretty surprised that you came from such a strict household…you seem like a free loving hippy (I say that in the best possible way…I consider my family hippies). There are scars from spanking (especially with belts and switches, ouch, my behind hurts just thinking about it) that last on a child’s soul long after their red bottom is gone.

    My philosophy is consequences that teach…if they’re not teaching, then they’re punishments. I don’t think it’s necessary to punish, kids just really want to learn how to act and every child (or 99.9%) can be productive members of society so every child that is lost had not only cost themselves and their families, but it has really robbed the world of who that child could have become…endless potential that will never be realized. Now that’s scary!
    :) Kate

  8. Kate says:

    Linda,

    Six kids? Oh boy…I’m tired just thinking about it. Finn runs circles around me as it is. Family can be so stressful (especially as a step parent…that’s like automatic torture). I wish I had something helpful to say…but I don’t have expertise in that area. Very sorry!!

    I really though my post would be controversial, and people certainly disagreed with the abortion mostly, which I understand. But I was hoping to get some great hate mail…not really. I’m so glad we can have these intelligent conversations, but you know how I like to learn from everyone’s perspective!

    You raise a very interesting point…would I rather have a quiet, sensitive child or a loud, self assured one? I’m not sure one is “better” than the other. The world needs all kinds. I was quiet, shy, and very sensitive at school and out of my house, but inside I was loud and tortured my mother on a regular basis. I think being worried about what everyone is thinking of you, and being painfully shy is a hard way to go through life. I NEVER raised my hand in school to answer a question…not even through college. Much less raise my hand to ask a question. What if I was wrong…what if it was dumb? I couldn’t risk it. And there went questions and answers that I had a good perspective on. My voice was just as valuable as all the others, but I was too scared to share, and that’s not an easy way to walk through life. No better or worse (at least in my opinion), just different.

    :) Heartless bitch!

  9. Denise says:

    I love your posts, but especially this one. And the comments!
    It’s exactly like you said, every person is an individual with his/her own needs and personalities… I understand Finn, from what you described, because my mother was a very loud person and I never shout or raise my voice. I simply can’t. And when people do this next to me, my heart starts beating up in an awkward way, I feel cold, I simply feel so uncomfortable when people are shouting close to me… it reminded me the many times I was told off, just because I had my own personality…

    I understand, now, that also my mother had her needs, but we both couldn’t deal properly with the situation.

    I’m sure you don’t shout at Finn trying to “change his personality”. I’m sure you let Finn grow discovering the way he is and you will be proud of it! He will also realize that you are loud, like you said, but this is your personality and there’s nothing wrong with it! You love Finn and he loves you, and this is beautiful! I know my mother also loved me, and I loved her too – we just didn’t know how to reach each other.

    As for Anna, you said “She is BEAUTIFUL. When people are attractive, in my experience, they tend to rely more on their physical attributes and don’t find it as pressing of a need to work their heart, soul, and brain.”

    Mmmhhh… well, you said it’s your experience… well, you are beautiful too, and you worked on heart, soul and brain! I saw many beautiful people doing this as well… but I agree with you. Many beautiful people rely on their physical beauty and forget the other areas of life…

    Ah! I was attacked on my blog… one of the comments you got, says that blogs are a way to vent ourselves… I don’t ask people to read it, but I enjoy posting about shoes and sometimes, when I really feel “the” pressure, I also post about feelings… and it’s such a harmless blog, you see – and even then I was attacked. Incredible.

    Thanks for this nice post!

    :) Kate
    Denise recently posted..Shoeper Shoe Challenge 10My Profile

  10. Amen! :)
    And I think being a hippie was in my blood the whole time – which was probably why the corporal punishment was so harmful! My sister and brother minded it less, but they’re both quantitative genius computer brains, so that probably explains it 😉
    Yes, every consequence should be a lesson, or else you’re teaching blind, unquestioning obedience to a person or an institution, not ever a good idea.
    See? No hate mail = don’t be afraid to speak your truth lady!
    :)
    Charis

    :) Kate
    Charis Brown Malloy recently posted..A Floridian Wedding Weekend- RecapMy Profile

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