The silence that is deafening.

I started this experiment of a blog in early June of 2008.  Nearly 1,000 times I have sat at my keyboard as I allowed my thoughts and feeling of the joys and sorrows of our life and family to run from my brain, down my arms, and transform into letters and words.  You have so kindly cared about not only me, but my family, and your support has meant the world to me.

Since January of 2009 I have written (almost always) 5 posts every week.  It has been immeasurably healing and given me great joy.  I am proud of what I have done with this site, how it’s evolved into a life of its own and the journey it’s taken me on.

It’s also (if not caused, certainly exasperated) truly challenging times in my life.  Sometimes I look back and wonder what on earth I was thinking.  It’s hurt people I hold dearest.  It has allowed me to learn the true character of some others.

I’m not hanging up my blogging hat.  I’m just having a really tough time right now.

This time in my life is different than the other challenges I’ve faced in the past.  Before, if I wasn’t happy with a situation, time, or place I would work hard to change it, make it better.

I have felt like I’ve been fighting against a tidal wave, I’ve been making the changes, and no results have occurred.  I feel that I’ve been swept under and there’s nothing I can do to find my way to the sunlight and air again.  I can’t breathe and I’m powerless, still kicking and reaching, but not moving, no matter how hard I try.

The worst part is I feel like I’ve let my family down.  It’s my job to provide for my family and they don’t deserve the situation we find ourselves in.  If I can’t do my job, then what am I good for?  They deserve better, they deserve a great mom and wife.  I’m terrified the water is going to take our house and everything we hold dear.

I’m not done fighting.  That would leave Josh and Finn even worse off than they are already, and I can’t ask them to carry any more burden than they already do.  I will fight until my last breath.

Our friends and family, close and far, have given financial and endless, overwhelming, unconditional love and support.  I can’t bear to continue to be a drain.

What’s left for me to do is to take a moment and sit in the silence.  Silence of my life, silence of my blog.  I can’t hear directions if I never stop talking.

Not forever, just for now.

See you around, my friend.

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8 Responses to The silence that is deafening.

  1. Khyra's Mom says:

    I should have included this one too

    http://youtu.be/Q55540EmspI

    After all, we all looking for a life worth livin’

  2. I hear ya. Virtual hugs is what I can offer.
    Sprite’s Keeper recently posted..Speak No EvilMy Profile

  3. nic says:

    A ‘good luck’, ‘you can win this fight’ and hugs are all I can give you.

    See you around my friend
    nic recently posted..hiyaMy Profile

  4. Tracey says:

    Stay with us, Kate. You know you can do it. That moment will come. Big hugs.
    Tracey recently posted..So prettyMy Profile

  5. kyooty says:

    I’m missing a huge piece of the pie here.
    kyooty recently posted..RandomizingMy Profile

  6. linlah says:

    Waiting right here to hear you again.

  7. Denise says:

    Dear Kate,
    I am angry at myself because I visit your blog everyday, and yesterday I was so hectic that I didn’t use the computer at all. And now I read your post from the 7th. It broke my heart, because I wanted to be able to support you, but I know this is something that no matter how much help or support someone has, “the light” comes at the right time, when the person figures out everything by him-herself. It’ll be all OK after some time, Kate, I am sure.
    I just wanted to tell you that you are not doing anything wrong! It was not your fault that your previous employer couldn’t understand you, it is not your fault that the economy of the country is not OK and so jobs are not plenty now, and I am very sure Finn loves his great mom the WAY SHE IS, and Josh loves his great wife THE WAY SHE IS, who developed herself along the years, and will go on doing this.
    And who said they wanted a different Kate? And just because you are not working outside home you are not a great mom or wife? Or daughter, sister, friend?????
    I refuse this idea. For me, you are great the way you are, and this is what matters to me. You are a great person, woman, mom, wife, daughter, sister and FRIEND, and also professional. The fact you are not working now – outside home, cause at home it’s working – doesn’t diminish your professional skills a thing.
    Kate, I learn so much from you. I thank you so much for all your suppor, when I most needed it. You were there for me. Thank you, dear Kate. I understand you need your time now, but please be sure you can count on me. You have my email address, I am there for you ANYTIME YOU NEED. No empty words, believe me.
    Many hugs and kisses and I will keep on bothering you asking how you are!
    Denise recently posted.."My" Asos selectionMy Profile

  8. maggie says:

    First off, i’m reading this and typing this on my phone because my computer doesn’t like your blog again. So this will probably be short because i don’t type as quickly on a touch screen phone…
    Anyhow. I’m sorry I’m getting to this so late :( i’ve been struggling with my own problems for awhile, and sadly finding time to read blogs has been damnnear impossible. And I miss it. And I miss you! And I was sad to finally find my way back here to find you’ve gone silent. But I understand. We all have to do what we have to do to make our lives work.
    I hope things get better for you. You are a beautiful and wonderful person and it frustrates me that you’re facing so many obstacles to happiness. I wish I had some magic words to make the struggle easier. . then maybe i wouldn’t be floundering so much myself!!!!
    If and when you decide to reurn to the blogosphere, i will beat my computer into submission until it lets me view your blog again….
    Take care of yourself. *hugs*

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