I started this experiment of a blog in early June of 2008. Nearly 1,000 times I have sat at my keyboard as I allowed my thoughts and feeling of the joys and sorrows of our life and family to run from my brain, down my arms, and transform into letters and words. You have so kindly cared about not only me, but my family, and your support has meant the world to me.
Since January of 2009 I have written (almost always) 5 posts every week. It has been immeasurably healing and given me great joy. I am proud of what I have done with this site, how it’s evolved into a life of its own and the journey it’s taken me on.
It’s also (if not caused, certainly exasperated) truly challenging times in my life. Sometimes I look back and wonder what on earth I was thinking. It’s hurt people I hold dearest. It has allowed me to learn the true character of some others.
I’m not hanging up my blogging hat. I’m just having a really tough time right now.
This time in my life is different than the other challenges I’ve faced in the past. Before, if I wasn’t happy with a situation, time, or place I would work hard to change it, make it better.
I have felt like I’ve been fighting against a tidal wave, I’ve been making the changes, and no results have occurred. I feel that I’ve been swept under and there’s nothing I can do to find my way to the sunlight and air again. I can’t breathe and I’m powerless, still kicking and reaching, but not moving, no matter how hard I try.
The worst part is I feel like I’ve let my family down. It’s my job to provide for my family and they don’t deserve the situation we find ourselves in. If I can’t do my job, then what am I good for? They deserve better, they deserve a great mom and wife. I’m terrified the water is going to take our house and everything we hold dear.
I’m not done fighting. That would leave Josh and Finn even worse off than they are already, and I can’t ask them to carry any more burden than they already do. I will fight until my last breath.
Our friends and family, close and far, have given financial and endless, overwhelming, unconditional love and support. I can’t bear to continue to be a drain.
What’s left for me to do is to take a moment and sit in the silence. Silence of my life, silence of my blog. I can’t hear directions if I never stop talking.
Not forever, just for now.
See you around, my friend.