This past Thursday you turned 4 years old. 4 YEARS OLD. When did that happen? I swear, just yesterday, you were a baby.
As more time has passed I have learned more about being a mom. Mostly I learn that I know nearly nothing.
It makes me constantly think…I was a great mom…until I had kids.
You have been pushing the boundaries. Daddy and I have worked hard to keep tow the line while allowing you room and encouragement to learn and grow, to become the person you are.
Most days I feel like I’m failing and someone is going to come and tell me I’m fired.
If I know one thing, it’s that I couldn’t love you any more than I do. My heart is overflowing with amazement and gratitude for you. I think you’re kind of awesome.
For a special treat for your birthday we took you to the movie theater. As kids came in with their families you greeted them, as you see everyone as strangers who are friends you haven’t met yet. I could tell your tender heart was a bit bruised when no one returned your enthusiastic greetings.
Your mood was boosted by wearing your birthday crown and telling everyone that it was your birthday and you are now FOUR!!! Many wished you a happy birthday, which made you giddy.
I don’t know when the moment will come where you will become conscious of yourself and see the world as having dark parts that are hard and scary. I don’t know when children lose the idea that anything is possible. I hope it’s later rather than sooner.
Sometimes you make me want to pull my hair out because I’ve asked you to do the same thing 14 times and you still refuse to pick up your toys or when you start jumping on Tanner or when you turn to me and inform me that I’m not very smart.
Those are truly the most challenging times of being a parent and I know how I choose to react to those moments is what is going to shape you and the decisions you make tomorrow. The fear of failing as a mother is constant and the worry is endless.
Then there are the moments when you give me a hug and kiss on my way to work, tell me you love me, and wish me a good day and I know if I can get out of your way, you will become the sweet boy you are in the deepest part of your heart.
Here are some pictures from your 4th birthday celebration. My two favorite memories from this day is when I was about to put you to bed and you looked at me very carefully, watching my eyes for the truth and asked if you were 4.
How come my clothes still fit me then?
After I stumbled my way through a horrendous answer that I’m sure made zero sense you informed me that you did enjoy your birthday. In fact, you had enjoyed it so much that you would like to turn 5 the next morning.